whattopick

Okay, I have to admit. Some of my calm is shaking. I am nearing the end of the four weeks notice at my current job. The interview yesterday went fine, but nothing stellar and there are 9 other applicants. If I don’t hear by a week from this Friday, I won’t hear from them at all. I’m still holding on desperately to the Lockheed possibility. Considering how long it can take them to hire, I don’t think that’s unreasonable. I’m really hopeful I hear by this Friday about an actual interview with them.

Other than that, the job opportunities for my field aren’t that plentiful. I am applying to receptionist positions because they pay more than I make now and I wouldn’t feel like I was taking a step backward because my real goal is to focus on writing. woosah!

 I got to the gym this morning! Still weighing in at 136, but eating pretty well. Hope everyone is doing well!

So I think the phone pre-intereview/screening session with Lockheed Martin went well…I hope! Mainly he told me about the job and about the office. He looked over my resume and I explained my current responsibilities and related the job I’m in now to his description of the Technical Editor position, and honestly I didn’t have to stretch to show how I have experience in all of the aspects of the job he described. Then at the end he gave me his e-mail address and told me to think about the job and to e-mail him over the weekend if I was still interested in being considered. After that, Lockheed protocol kicks in and HR will call me to set up an interview if I make that cut. Then I’d interview for a panel of 4 or 5 people. Then…I don’t know. I know it sounds crazy, I’ve only had this pre-interview, but I feel confident. This is a job I could do! I have another interview for Publications Manager. This one wouldn’t be quite as good because its all the way in Arlington, about 40 minutes from my house (WITHOUT traffic) but it looks like a really good position. Eating also went well this weekend. I weighed in at 136 Saturday morning, which I was happy with. Lets see if I can remember… Saturday Meal 1: half a sandwhich (like 75 calories) / 80 cal. yogurt/a cup of eggdrop soup Meal 2: low fat strawberry smoothie / half a Panera sandwhich (probably a lot more than 75 calories) Meal 3: sandwhich from Barnes and Noble Meal 4: Banana and peanut butter Snacks: one piece of pumpkin bread, one chocolate graham cracker Exercise: walking around the mall? Sunday Meal 1: half a sandwhich / a cup of eggdrop soup / 60 cal. mousse cup Meal 2: oatmeal / 2 fat free hot dogs with spaghetti sauce Meal 3: Spaghetti Snacks: 1 Godiva truffle / 100 cal. kettlecorn Exercise: walking around the neighborhood

I have a “pre-interview phone screening” with Lockheed Martin today at 1! Ahh I’m so nervous. I would love to work at Lockheed. I think I applied to like 6 or 7 jobs with them. This one is for Technical Editor. The work would mainly be about the sonar system. One of the Required Skills is experience with this system, so I’ve been researching it like crazy and hope that knowledge of it will suffice. The bottom range of the salary for this position is 10k higher than what I’m paid now…oh the shopping I would do. But I’m trying to keep perspective and remember that I Am Not In Control, that things will happen for a reason, and that I should be absolutely crushed if this doesn’t turn into a real interview/turn into a job. Yep…that’s what I’m doing.

Thursday

Meal 1: sandwhich /banana

Meal 2: oatmeal / 2 fat free hot dogs

Meal 3: salad / oatmeal

Meal 4: two small pieces of cornbread, small serving of macaroni, a few bites of meatloaf, a small serving of sweet potato pie (we went to Cracker Barrell)

Exercise: hour of cardio in the morning

I made it to the gym this morning! I didn’t get to bed as early as I did the night before (8 30) but I woke up before my alarm. I think its nerves. Woosah. Relax. Things happen for a reason. Regret what you haven’t done. I want this job!

So I have this mantra that I repeat to myself whenever I start to feel bad about something I’ve done: Regret what you haven’t done, not what you have. It doesn’t apply to food or diet, it’s really more of an antidote for those, ‘why did I get sooo drunk last night and make an idiot of myself’ blues. But right now, I’m applying it to my current job situation. I’ve only been job hunting for about 9 days so it’s really no surprise I haven’t found anything yet. I’m still feeling confident I did the right thing, but also scared because I’m leaving the security I’ve had for two years. But would it have been better to have stayed, knowing that this is a job, and not a career, that there is NO upward mobility in this company? I could have remained passive, contined not doing, but instead I’m taking a risk. I’m doing. Yep. It’s working, I feel a little better. But in continuing the theme of being insecure in this post, I’m also afraid of really trying to get published. It’s always been a dream more than a goal. I’ve never worried about failure before because my confidence was shored up by the contests I’ve won, the praise of teachers/professors, and because I wasn’t really trying. There was nothing to fail at. You can’t fail a dream, they’re perfect. What will reality be like? Whew, okay. Back to the point of this blog. Weight loss! I took a sick day yesterday and relaxed all day. It was fantastic. Then I went to sleep at 8 30 and slept through until 5 30 this morning, so going to the gym was easy. Wednesday Meal 1: honeynut cheerios/banana/skim milk Meal 2: honeynut cheerios/skim milk Meal 3: honeynut cheerios/banana/skim milk Meal 4: sandwhich / a little cup of egg drop soup / 60 cal. mousse I’m not sure why I ate cereal all day, it was easy, it was available, it was delicious. Luckily I ran out or it would have been meal 4 too. I want to weigh in on Monday and by 135. That is the goal.

Okay, time to start the food journal again. Haven’t done this in a while.

Monday

8:30 am: oatmeal / chicken / banana

11:30 am: half a chicken sandwhich

2: 30 pm: salad

5:00 pm: 60 cal. mousse / banana / oatmeal

8:00 pm: spaghetti (in moderation) / piece of garlic bread

Exercise: none =(

Huh, not bad. Not bad. Today has started off better because I finally made it to the gym. They were playing Love Story in cardio cinema, so not a workout movie, but better than some of the stuff they put on.

I’m applying to jobs like crazy right now because I have three more weeks left at this one. For some reason, I have this feeling of calm, of assurance. Ideally (and I realize this is totally unrealistic) I want to get a job by the time I leave this one, but not start it until January 1 so I can work on my book (more on that later!), go visit my friend in New York, and generally enjoy this lovely season. Give me another week and I’ll probably just be desperate for a job.

Okay, book! In addition to losing 25 pounds (I’m at 15), my other resolution for 2009 was to finish the book I’ve been writing and get an agent. Well I won’t get an agent by the end of the year, but I did finish! It’s 78,000 words (4,000 more than the first Harry Potter book, if you want a reference). I’m sending it to my writing group to proofread tomorrow so I have time to revise it and then submit it to this first time young adult author contest. The contest is something of a gamble. If I won, it would be published by Random House and I’m sure I could get an agent out of the deal. However, winning is unlikely and I can’t submit it to any agents until the contest has concluded. I think it’s worth it though. The tiny tiny chance to be published by Random House is worth waiting 4 months.

I hope everyone is doing great!

I can’t believe I’ve been away for 2.5 weeks, I don’t remember the last time I’ve been gone this long! My last post was complaining about my birthday, which turned out to be lovely and had a few random events that put it into perspective. Yes, Patrick hurt my feelings, but there are worse things. The good stuff first: my friend had her baby on my birthday and they are both doing great! The bad stuff: the next day my other friend called distraught, her former fiance committed suicide on the evening of my birthday. It just struck me as so…momentous somehow. My birthday being in the crosshairs of this miracle and this tragedy. I don’t know how to explain it, not that it made me momentous, but it made the value of life so clear. My emotions were polarized between happiness for my one friend and her baby, and grief for my other friend and her former fiance’s family. I had been thinking “Oh man, when my friend’s baby turns 25, I’ll be 50!” but it turned into thinking, “When I turn 50…my friend’s former fiance will still be gone.” And instead of worrying about getting older, I was just grateful that I have the emotional stability, family support, and good fortune to have turned 25 at all.

On a lighter note…we were on our cruise last week and it was amazing. Something about getting away really invigorates me. I can look at my life in Virginia a little more rationally and realize that being so tightly screwed around my job is unhealthy. I’ve been here two years exactly, and 80% of the time, I still have this sense of impending doom. What have I not done as well as I should have? What have I let slip through the cracks? What did I forget to double check? I get tense opening my e-mail in the morning, just waiting for my next mistake to come to light. I appreciate this job, but I’m clearly not cut out for it and that is no way to live. I’ve suspected it for a while, but have been staying out of fear of not having this safety net. Now I realize that I have to make my decisions based on what excites me, not what scares me. So I put in my two week’s notice. It’s not rational, its not smart, but it feels right. Now I’m applying for jobs that are less intense and pressure filled, and I am going to concentrate on my writing. Another thing that might not be rational and smart, but I feel like writing young adult fiction is my future, not editing. I know, I know, writers are poor. Well so are editors, and at least I’ll be happy and doing what fulfills me =) (although out of respect for my company, I did say I’d stay 4 - 6 weeks to help train my replacement and finish up the projects I have)

I hope everyone is doing great!

=/ Feeling kind of bleh today. I’ve already eaten breakfast and lunch, and I’m not really hungry. Just bored. It’s a relaxing day at work, but I want to go home.

So my birthday is on Monday, and I’ve never been like a huge birthday party person. Go out with a few friends at the most, but usually prefer just to celebrate with family and Patrick. Patrick’s birthday was in July, and it didn’t turn out too well because it ended up conflicting with the last weekend my brother was in the country before going to Afghanistan, but I tried really hard to plan something awesome. And we ended up going to an awesome place and having a good time, minus all the brother drama.

I just feel like he’s barely acknowledged my birthday this year. It’s in three days, but I’m going on a cruise at the end of next week without him to celebrate with my family, and he’s kind of joking when he says, ‘well your birthday is next week’ but I kind of get the feeling he’s serious =(. I mean, he’s gotten me some presents and he’s giving me a hundred dollars to buy clothes, but he’s not really putting any time into it.

Does that sound bratty? I guess so. But I kind of figured this upcoming weekend was my birthday weekend with him, and that we’d go out to dinner and go shopping like I said I wanted to do (and like he told me he’d take me to do after I spent all of last weekend with him at Comic Con). He called me today and said, ‘So we might go see Where the Wild Things Are with my parents tomorrow.’ I don’t want to see Where the Wild Things Are! I’ve mentioned that a few times, but he said, ‘well it’s free.’ 

I feel like we have to go since he already set up tentative plans with his parents and I don’t want to look like a brat, but that’s not at all what I want to do for my birthday. So we talked about it like an hour ago and I told him how I felt, and he said, ‘well it was something my mom brought up and offered, and I said yeah, maybe, but she knows its not definitely. But I’d really like to see it since it’s free and it got good reviews’  So I mentioned how we did what he wanted all last weekend, and this was my birthday weekend, and he said, ‘I feel like your birthday weekend is next weekend, when you’re going on your cruise’ and I was like, ‘well it’s not really, because my birthday is on Monday, and this is like my birthday weekend with you. Are you saying that if my birthday was closer to the weekend I was leaving, I wouldn’t get one with you?’ and he went into this weird rambling explanation as to how he just kept thinking my birthday was while I would be on the cruise, even though he knew when my birthday was. Which just brings me back to my question of, ’so if I was gone on my actual birthday, we wouldn’t have a weekend where we celebrated together?’ seems a little unfair considering how much effort I put into his.

I’m just kind of down about this =( I know he cares, it just doesn’t feel like it. He basically told me what we were doing tomorrow, didn’t ask, because it was what he wanted to do. My birthday is on Monday, which he technically knows, but apparently doesn’t seem to be making any sort of impression. Just doesn’t feel very nice. I don’t expect my friends to make a big deal about it, but it would be nice if he put some thought into it.

Hi everyone,

Well I didn’t do too badly this weekend. Both lunches were from Subway and I ate a lot of grapes. I did have two cupcakes because our friend’s aunt who we stayed with made them for us. I had them partly because I didn’t want to be rude and partly I really wanted them. However, I was dessert-free yesterday and I hope I can go another solid week before eating any more. A week from today is my birthday. Usually I get two or three cakes for my birthday, everyone knows how much I love it, but hopefully this year I won’t get one because everyone knows how much I’m trying to avoid it.

So Comic-Con was fun. It’s not my thing, but any event that people get really into is fun to be around to some extent. I made an effort and bought a superhero t-shirt to wear the first day and put on the fake tattoos DC Comics was handing out, and I think Patrick appreciated it. The first day was from 10-6, and around 3 pm I couldn’t take it anymore. Big, crushing crowds get to me, but there was a ton to do in the Baltimore area so I was fine entertaining myself until they finished around 5. I was planning to enjoy more of the Baltimore area because the second day was 10-5, but after about 3 hours Patrick and his friends got bored and we headed home.

The goals this week are to 1. Work out at least 4 days (preferably 5)  2. Don’t eat dessert  3. Don’t engage in any obsessive eating-style behavior. (I can just sit and eat grapes until my stomach hurts) 4. Eat less carbs/more protein. 5. Drink tons of water.

I hope everyone is having a great day! 

well it hasn’t quite been a week this time. I think I haven’t been on as much because I haven’t been eating as well…I know that’s counter productive, but it’s exciting to get on and catalog good choices. Not so much for bad choices. I need to get back to more healthy eating and exercise and less buddyslim avoidance.

Monday

Meal 1: about 3 oz of chicken

Meal 2: one avocado/tomato/onions and cream of wheat

Meal 3: potato salad

Meal 4: a sandwhich / .5 cup egg drop soup / peanut butter crackers

Snack: apple cider

Exercise: 1.15 cardio, upper AND lower body weights (This was a good day)

Tuesday

Meal 1: 3 oz of chicken

Meal 2: sandwhich

Meal 3: shrimp/crab salad

Meal 4: cereal

Meal 5: .5 sandwhich / some fries / salad

Exercise: an hour of cardio

Okay, it’s not as bad as I was thinking, but I don’t feel as in control and I want to get that back. On the other hand, This is day 5 of no sweets, and it’s not because they haven’t been around! My roommate put a big bowl of halloween candy out in the kitchen. My pregnant friend Kate has been baking and brought me in a piece of chocolate chocolate cake. I’ve stayed away, and it actually hasn’t been that hard. It’s been regular food I’ve been wanting to overindulge in.

 I’m going to ComicCon this weekend with my boyfriend and his two friends, and I’m a little worried. They’re not exactly healthy eaters so I’m anticipating some fast food. I’ll have to brush up on those healthy choices and bring some protein bars and grapes.

 I hope everyone is doing well!

I can’t believe I haven’t posted in a week! It has been a crazy one. Thursday night, Patrick ended up having to work late, which was terrible timing since we were driving to Ohio after he got off work. It turned out fine, we left at 7:30 instead of 7 and probably avoided more traffic that way. It’s about an 8 hour drive, and for the first three hours I was just thinking, ‘not going to make it…what was I thinking? How do I EVER make this all in one drive?’ but as we crept closer to the halfway mark and stopped to get gas and grab some food, I rallied. By the time we hit the 5 hour mark (12:30 am), I was in Driving Mode. Patrick was nodding off, waking up only to crabbily demand we stop at a hotel, which I ignored. Around 2 am he woke up and stayed awake with me for the rest of the time. I think he was nervous. It was raining so when the trucks went by, the water they kicked up overwhelmed my little Sebring’s windshield wipers so I’d have to hit the breaks. With the rain we had to go slower and ended up not getting to Zack’s apartment until 4:10, so it was more like an 8 hour and 40 minute drive, but I did it! And man was I proud of myself. I also ate healthy the whole way! I had a sandwhich before we left, a sandwhich around 11, snacked on grapes a lot, and then when we stopped at McDonalds to use the bathroom, I only got milk and a soda. The weekend with Zack was great. I didnt’ eat that well, but I didn’t eat that badly either. I didn’t even want to. Then we had a nice day on Sunday for the drive home which we did in just under 8 hours with TWO stops. Since then, I’ve had some work issues but I think they’ve been resolved. I hope anyway, I still have that ‘waiting for the other shoe to drop’ feeling, but we’ll see. It’s kind of a strange situation. This girl went around me and to my boss in what I felt like was a deliberate effort to make me look bad in front of him. We’re work friends, we go out to lunch with another girl, we vent to each other, stuff like that, but I haven’t felt like we meshed in a while. Sometimes I think she’s nice and sometimes I think she’s the most narcissistic person I’ve ever met. She’s the kind of person who, if you’re telling a story, will interrupt you because you’ve reminded her of a better story. And then she’ll kind of look at you and say, ‘oh sorry, did you want to finish?’ So I’m not really interested in continuing a friendly facade, but I don’t want it to look like I’m in a snit over this latest situation. The truth is, I just really haven’t had a good vibe with her in a while and this is more of the finishing touch. Anyway, enough about personal stuff. I have been sleeping in way too much this week and I need to get back in gear. I’ve been eating well and I’m going to the gym tonight for an abbreviated workout before I meet up with Patrick, but tomorrow morning has to be a serious workout! I hope everyone is doing well!